Eating Stuff that is or isn't food.

I've eaten ridiculous things in my time, which I recently was reminded of when I responded to a thread at Shakesville regarding what food one could not be paid enough to eat.

I eat anything. I seriously mean, anything. And this lead me to look back at a Democratic Underground post I wrote on the same:

I ate a "Rio Snapper". That's the brand name for a little thingie they sell in playing-card-size boxes around Independence Day--you know, the little bit of gunpowder and sawdust wrapped in a spit-ball sized wad of paper and you throw it and it goes, "BANG!" or "SNAP!" when it hits the ground? Or like, if you step on it?

Well, I got dared to *bite* one when I was ten or eleven. You have to know, I was a bit of a tomboy, and a dare was a meaningful debt drawn upon my honor, so I had to pay in full. My problem is being, if you'll allow the oxymoron, a "closet exhibitionist"; once all eyes were on me I had to elaborate upon the deed. I took the "snapper" between my teeth, inhaling so as to suck my teeth dry and then drew back my lips as far away from the snapper as I could. I bit down, causing it to "snap" weakly, which should have been enough, but for an imp of the perverse that let the snapper then fall back upon my tongue.

Whereupon there was nothing left but to roll it about in my spit until soft and swallow. Naturally I displayed my empty mouth in pride.


I have naturally eaten paste, Elmer's glue, wax (as in "wax teeth"), and the brownish, syrupy glue known as "mucilage." I have undoubtedly swallowed countless gnats. On impulse, I have sample cowslips, dandelions, sliver of a jade plant, grass, and acorns. Acorns are a little bitter. Was *not* impressed, not much like filberts, really.

I once ate an entire rotisserie chicken, including most of the bones to unnerve an uptight relative. The bones were softened by the slow-roasting process, so it really was no problem. The spine and ribs I mostly balked at, but the wing-bones were barely there. Drumsticks were impossible, but I left them extraordinarily clean. In Italy, I downed two-and-three inch smelts, heads, tails, bones and all, having taking my husband's advice regarding "picky eating" (this was four years ago, when he didn't yet know me as well) to the extreme.

All of which is actually true. I've licked buttons and amber jewelry. I have a bias that the tentacles is where all the flavor is in calimari, and I really don't understand picky eaters. I've swallowed the bitter choke of artichokes and downed my share of scales, claws, bones, and hair.


And I suspect there are more true omnivores out there--people who can easily discuss the merits of licking envelopes and sampling papier mache, and can confess to even swigging the odd cologne or licking especially food-like soaps.

I hope. Unless I'm a complete lunatic. Which I've also expected.