Okay--The Onion Just F'd Up Tweeting the Oscars

Quvenzhane Wallis is a nine year old girl. She's already a really gifted actress, but she is still a nine year old girl. You really shouldn't post that about even a grown-ass woman, but whoever was on the Onion Twitter feed tonight? You really, really, really don't use that word about a nine-year old girl. People would be afraid to use that word because that is not a word that civilized people would use. We don't say it about women because gendered slurs are reductionist cheap nonsense--

But that's a nine year old girl in Hollywood you just used that on, Onion. C'mon. The media and the business and all that will surely screw with her brain enough the rest of her life over her being a woman, celebrity, actress, how she looks and how she acts without you dropping a c-bomb on her for a lazy throw-away joke. Grow the hell up and figure out the line between cruelty and humor.

Have A Zesty Generika!

Okay--I don't like doing Christmas cards. This is an issue I have--it's an obligation to mail a thing that serves little value to a person or persons who may have great social value to me, or, you know, I only have them sort of randomly in my address-book. If I really wanted to stay in touch and wish people really well and all that--I could send them an e-mail. Even attach some kind of festive clip-art. In minutes, I could design something that says "Yay, this time of year!" and "Thinking of you!" with a touch of genuine-ness.

Christmas/Holiday cards don't have this thing. I don't like them. Sometimes, they are too religion-specific for me. I don't celebrate the Baby Jesus' birthday at Christmas. I don't assume this is what other people are celebrating--so I want to keep my cards just a bit generic. I think of my December-based holiday as "Generika". The "k" means it might vaguely have something to do with culture, but otherwise, I am a very "happy holidays" kind of girl. Except for my feelings about happy....and holiday.....

See, "happy" is overused in greeting cards. Happy Valentines, Happy Halloween, Happy, Happy. Are we on uppers? Also: "Merry". Does this ever get said in real life? Have you ever said, "You know, eating pork rinds with a good chardonnay gives me a merry feeling"? Obviously, this pairing would be awesome. A crisp, sharp tang of white wine against the greasy, salty burst of porkulence? Hello? Sleigh bells in your mouth! But "merry"?

No. You don't say that. "Merry" has been subsumed into the linguistic category of "things you only say around Christmas". Christmas killed "merry". It's just a ghost haunting the word "Christmas" anymore, except in the UK, where they use "happy".

I think we need to petition for another adjective, too. Not "happy". Not "merry". I'm going with "zesty". It means piquant, lively and flavorful. I am down with the zest. And not "holidays". No. "Holi-" day is just giving in that the day has been hallowed, and I'm not about it. My card-sending has, for years, been sort of a "return-receipt" for other people sending me cards. It has basically come down to a literal message of: "I have received your Greeting Card, and return one with thanks that you provided me with your return address. We may do this again next year." So I am about "Generika". There isn't a reason for the season, I'm just performing a perfunctory courtesy demanded of me by culture and the existence of the post office, and while I'm at it, I'm going to make you accept "zestiness".

Have a Zesty Generika. Enjoy the taste of a new, more random, holiday.

I'm wishing you all a Zesty Generika. May your deepest wishes have positive outcomes in a manner more frequent than random chance alone can account for. May you also experience a pleasant terminus to the calendar year. And a very satisfactory and non-catastrophic calendar year to come!