The Memes Before Christmas

 You know a GIF is 3/4ths of a gift, right?

The Perfect Stocking Stuffer Doesn--HELLO!

 

Do you recognize that amazeballs pattern from at least two cinematic somewheres my horror-loving darlings? Of course you do! This shit is iconic. 

I was perusing my favorite category of accessory (the bags of holding) and saw this! You might not get it by Christmas, but people have birthdays, you know! And we will have a Christmas again next year, probably. Unless some Grinch steals it, which we know by now is very improbable. Which is also true for several other Xmas-related disasters. 

(Apropos of which, I work customer service and have experienced reverse-Grinches respond to "Happy Holidays!" with "You mean 'Merry Christmas!'" Nah. I was throwing in "Happy New Years" for free but now I'm taking it back! You don't KNOW me!) 

Anyways, this item comes in several styles that are pretty Goth/Steampunk-compliant. And you can always tell your friends that you are just doing Orthodox Xmas if your presents aren't in the post by 12/25. Oopah! 

We Are Back with a Fa-la-la-Ness

 Christmas is a time for giving, and I feel like giving some Christmas cheer this year by talking about Xmas-themed horror movies. We basically keep a scary light on from October 1 to New Year's in this house, so I wanted to spread the reason for the season (it sure gets dark in winter and scary shit happens) with my people. 

Anyway, I'm starting with a noble mess of a movie--A Creature Was Stirring. Keeping it real. stay for Chrissy Metz acting like nobody's business in a weird movie about the family ties that bind, and definitely wonder what the hell happened between how this movie started out and the ending. 

I don't believe the people making this movie knew how it was going to end before it did. Because um. 

Whut? 

It doesn't have a twist like "Conclave" has a twist, but like, it's twisted. There is no Christmas morning gift, here.

You know what does have one thought--in a really dark way? 

My Favorite Christmas Album totally has to be John Denver And the Muppets.

Miss Piggy is a great Feminist. Totes. No really. And I will also submit that Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas is like my favorite thing ever. 

In other words, Jim Henson was like my Santa. I miss him so much.

Being Secret Santa Sux--But I Can Help

We've all been there--the dreaded "Secret Santa" or "Pollyanna" drawing, where you have a set dollar amount to give something not-awful to a co-worker or family member. I have some coping strategies beyond the gift-certificate that might make you look like you did good. Real good, even.

The thing to do is take a good look--

Is her manicure game up to the minute?  If you have a giftee who always looks polished, right down to the fingernails, something like a multi-pack of nail top-coats, especially one that includes a nice on-trend version like a matte finish, might be neutral enough to be useful and appreciated (OPI has a nice set). You can probably rest assured that your giftee already has a manicure set with all the fixin's.  This is a nice step up.

Does he have a favorite color? Because seriously--you could not help but notice all the blue sweaters, blue ties, the blue parka, the blue swim trunks. Think inside the crayon box, and get a nice accessory that matches the favorite color of your giftee--scarves and gloves are appreciated for certain climes--but a color-conscious watch might be just in time.  (Although if you know someone who just likes color and always likes to match--there's nothing wrong with a gift that covers the rainbow.)

Sometimes you might find someone who isn't material at all--surely they have a great charity that you can donate to on their behalf! Maybe the giftee fosters animals, or cares for the environment. There are many ways to show your love by gifting worthy organizations, and that might give both of you a glow. You might want to consider giving to your local animal shelter, or maybe giving through Greatergood.org (which partners with some sites which are pretty good shopping.)

Is your giftee organized and then some? My experience of the ultra-organized and very-planned is that they don't reject a new device to plan with--and coupon organizers, dayplanners, and really awesome totes to put their important stuff in will get used. (You've missed peak Thirty-one season, but keep them in mind for next year. Or check out office supply stores and stationary shops for excellent organizer swag.)

If your someone has a pet, sometimes a good gift for their baby is as good as a gift for them. Think a really kicky collar and lead for a dogchild, or a topnotch catnip treat for that catperson.

If your person is artistic, they might love a fun form of expression like a great calligraphy set or sketch set,  or maybe just a great sketchbook or folio.  Or if you find you have a knitter or crocheter, there is no reason not to gift supplies (yarn can be pricey! even needles! a bag of big skeins isn't an awful plan for someone whose fingers are always busy--and you might get slippers out of the deal!)

You get the idea--ask, listen, see, and make sure you gift them something they will like and use. And always keep in mind gift wrap is just incidental, but it is always nice to put a pretty bow or tasteful card on a gift to show thoughtfulness.  And that is how you make Secret Santa less sucky.

Have A Zesty Generika!

Okay--I don't like doing Christmas cards. This is an issue I have--it's an obligation to mail a thing that serves little value to a person or persons who may have great social value to me, or, you know, I only have them sort of randomly in my address-book. If I really wanted to stay in touch and wish people really well and all that--I could send them an e-mail. Even attach some kind of festive clip-art. In minutes, I could design something that says "Yay, this time of year!" and "Thinking of you!" with a touch of genuine-ness.

Christmas/Holiday cards don't have this thing. I don't like them. Sometimes, they are too religion-specific for me. I don't celebrate the Baby Jesus' birthday at Christmas. I don't assume this is what other people are celebrating--so I want to keep my cards just a bit generic. I think of my December-based holiday as "Generika". The "k" means it might vaguely have something to do with culture, but otherwise, I am a very "happy holidays" kind of girl. Except for my feelings about happy....and holiday.....

See, "happy" is overused in greeting cards. Happy Valentines, Happy Halloween, Happy, Happy. Are we on uppers? Also: "Merry". Does this ever get said in real life? Have you ever said, "You know, eating pork rinds with a good chardonnay gives me a merry feeling"? Obviously, this pairing would be awesome. A crisp, sharp tang of white wine against the greasy, salty burst of porkulence? Hello? Sleigh bells in your mouth! But "merry"?

No. You don't say that. "Merry" has been subsumed into the linguistic category of "things you only say around Christmas". Christmas killed "merry". It's just a ghost haunting the word "Christmas" anymore, except in the UK, where they use "happy".

I think we need to petition for another adjective, too. Not "happy". Not "merry". I'm going with "zesty". It means piquant, lively and flavorful. I am down with the zest. And not "holidays". No. "Holi-" day is just giving in that the day has been hallowed, and I'm not about it. My card-sending has, for years, been sort of a "return-receipt" for other people sending me cards. It has basically come down to a literal message of: "I have received your Greeting Card, and return one with thanks that you provided me with your return address. We may do this again next year." So I am about "Generika". There isn't a reason for the season, I'm just performing a perfunctory courtesy demanded of me by culture and the existence of the post office, and while I'm at it, I'm going to make you accept "zestiness".

Have a Zesty Generika. Enjoy the taste of a new, more random, holiday.

I'm wishing you all a Zesty Generika. May your deepest wishes have positive outcomes in a manner more frequent than random chance alone can account for. May you also experience a pleasant terminus to the calendar year. And a very satisfactory and non-catastrophic calendar year to come!